Do we expect too much from dads at births?

dads birth doulas

This month is International Doula Month, and as such, I’ve been thinking about what I really wanted to say about doulas that I maybe haven’t said before. There have been a few interactions I’ve had lately that really got me thinking, although this is nothing I haven’t thought about before or even mentioned in classes.

We expect FAR too much from dads during birth.

So, here’s the deal:

Back in the day, like 130 years ago or more, when a woman went into labor, the local midwife would come into her home. The mom’s female friends and family would come to help– they would prepare her a birth space,  soothe her, help keep her fed, hydrated, and reassure her. Birth was a normal part of life, something that most woman would be familiar with long before it came time for them to give birth as well.

I’ll say this again: Birth was a normal part of life.

The role of a birth doula is to try to bring into the picture those women who were very experienced when it came to birth. Unless you’ve been around a couple of women as they give birth before, birth is a pretty weird process that no amount of videos can ever prepare you for. So while I’m not saying we should go back to the time when it was considered “improper” for men to witness births, I’m saying that the idea of a partner having to bear the responsibility of caring for emotionally and physically supporting a mom through birth is unfair to everyone– it’s unfair to the partner, it’s unfair to the mother, and it’s unfair to the baby.

We have mounting evidence of dads (there is no info out on same-sex partners) experiencing PTSD as a result of being at the birth of their babies. Even if there aren’t ANY complications, while we should try very hard to prepare partners to be active participants at birth, there’s nothing to really prepare anyone for the twists and turns of birth. Doulas can’t predict how a birth will go, but they are prepared to walk the journey with families, no matter what that ends up looking like. Doulas provide that reassurance to EVERYONE during the process, no matter what, helping reduce trauma.

Doulas aren’t emotionally attached, not do they have to bear the responsibility for the medical care being provided.

Hiring a doula isn’t a value judgment on the state of your relationship; in fact, having a doula can help provide the space and time for those critical moments during labor and birth that can bring couples closer together.

Hiring a doula will not take away from a partner’s role at birth; having a doula present will give him more confidence to be involved in a way that he’s comfortable with.

Hiring a doula means that the laboring mother will have what’s very biologically normal– the care and support of an experienced woman who will stay with her through the whole process.

Hiring a doula isn’t a luxury. Hiring a doula should not be a status symbol. Hiring a doula should not be political. Hiring a birth doula is a logical, critical, SMART choice that can help ensure that no matter what happens at a birth, everyone in the room was able to benefit from the professionalism and reassurance and care that a birth doula provides.

I believe in birth doula care SO MUCH that I have created a non-profit that, in addition to providing mental health services, provides doula care on a free and sliding-fee basis. Families who are interested in doula care through The BabyLove Alliance can come to our Information Nights. Upcoming dates are May 20th, June 24th, and July 29th at 7 PM at BabyLove. Find out more information about our unique program here.

Hire a doula. It’s important.

Veronica Jacobsen, BA, CD(DONA), CLC, CPST, LCCE, FACCE

DONA-Certified Birth Doula, Certified Lactation Counselor, Child Passenger Safety Technician, Lamaze Certified Childbirth Educator, Fellow of the Academy of Certified Childbirth Educators

Opening BabyLove in September of 2011 has allowed me to build a space where all families can come to get good information in a caring, welcoming environment. I have found that not only do I love teaching more than ever, but I also really love running a business. Hopefully my passion for every aspect of BabyLove shines through.
I live in Richfield with my husband, and I am a mother of a two great children. When I can steal a few free moments, I love to go on adventures with my family, cook, garden, thrift, can, and craft.

Medical Bill Basics: Explained

medical bill explained

Ever since Vox.com put out a video on how hard it is to determine the cost of birth, I’ve found myself wanting to put my head on my desk numerous times per day. If you haven’t seen it yet, check it out:

Some people have pointed out that there are tools to help figure out how much a birth will cost, though it’s usually on a per state basis. Late last year, you may remember that I did a couple of extensive blog posts where I took a few hours to pull together the information for Twin Cities costs for births depending on the mode of delivery and the health of the baby.

The problem with that, though? It doesn’t even to start to take into account one tricky little layer: Each health insurer has different contractual allowances that ultimately determines how much you pay.

So, let me explain it this way:

  • Louise has a procedure done. The provider bills her insurance $175 for it.
  • Louise’s insurance has pre-set a rate of $90.47 for the maximum allowable fee arrangement for that specific procedure.

A few ways this could play out:

  1. Louise has yet to meet her deductible, so she has to pay $90.47 out of pocket to the provider for it.
  2. Louise HAS met her deductible, but she has to pay a co-pay amount. In this example, let’s say she has a $40 co-pay. She would pay the $40 to the provider, and the insurer would reimburse the provider $50.47.
  3. Louise’s insurance has a 30/70 split on all billed costs. Louise then pays $27.14 to the provider for the procedure, and the insurer would reimburse the provider for $63.33.

And this can go on and on and on in various permutations depending on all of the possible plan set ups. A different insurer could set that maximum allowable fee at a paltry $30.17. (Good for their shareholders, totally awful for the providers.) Can you see how it would start to be totally impossible to actually get an idea of what birth would cost?

Keep in mind, too, that everything done during birth can be turned into a billed procedure. There’s no way to anticipate what that might look like, because some hospitals will even bill you a couple buck PER TYLENOL.

This situation is  really, really, complex and has a lot of nuance I don’t think anyone has tried to explain too hard. I’ve even tried my best to explain what the process of “taking insurance” looks like from the provider side, and that doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of how awful and infuriating it is.

All this is to say that, yes, it is really complex. I have my own opinions of how US Health Care could be made less expensive and safer, but I also know it’s not as easy to unravel as anyone who talks about it thinks it should be.

 

Have I missed anything? Are you a health care smarty with something to add?

Warmly,

Veronica

 

Veronica Jacobsen, BA, CD(DONA), CLC, CPST, LCCE, FACCE

DONA-Certified Birth Doula, Certified Lactation Counselor, Child Passenger Safety Technician, Lamaze Certified Childbirth Educator, Fellow of the Academy of Certified Childbirth Educators

Opening BabyLove in September of 2011 has allowed me to build a space where all families can come to get good information in a caring, welcoming environment. I have found that not only do I love teaching more than ever, but I also really love running a business. Hopefully my passion for every aspect of BabyLove shines through.
I live in Richfield with my husband, and I am a mother of a two great children. When I can steal a few free moments, I love to go on adventures with my family, cook, garden, thrift, can, and craft.

#RealMomConfessions: Therapy Rocks

Real Mom Confessions

At a certain point, I think we all get sick and tired of “National X Day” and “International Y Month”, but this month is Mental Health Awareness Month and International Doula Month. Both are really important things in my world, but today, as a mom* of two, I want to talk about mental health. More specifically, I want to talk about therapy.

I’ve been seeing my therapist for 15 months. It took a long time for me to get brave enough to start seeing anyone. I think I may have mentioned here before, but I saw some really yucky professionals in college and right after. They were so callous and uncaring that I thought that therapy had to be them versus me.

I was wrong.

I found my current therapist after asking an acquaintance for a referral. He gave me two names. One couldn’t take my insurance (but now is a trusted mental health professional in the non-profit), and the other is now my therapist. Thankfully, I really hit it off with my therapist, even though there were major hurdles in the beginning to get me into the building for every session. And no, I don’t want to talk about that. It had nothing to do with her, but everything to do with the demons I was facing.

Therapy has given me a safe place to process things happening in my life, as well as process things that happened in the past. She gives me perspective. She gives me courage. It’s my safe space to discuss what’s going on and helps me work things out in a totally non-judgmental way. I like myself better than I ever have. I feel great about the relationships I have. I feel completely OK about the relationships I’ve said goodbye to. I’m learning to trust myself, and that’s something you can never put a price tag on.

The hardest part about therapy is finding someone you click with. If you don’t click with someone, it’s OK to keep looking. Some therapists will even let you do a free consult to see if you are a fit. I mean, I talk here all the time about working to find a good fit for maternity care, and the same is true for mental health. Also? The most prominent names in the field, with the fanciest clinics, are probably not a good fit for anyone.

However, all of this is worth it. Taking care of your mental health, even on the days when you really suck at keeping it together, is worth it. Therapy is worth it.

You are worth it.

*The really crappy thing about mental health is that, once you have it in your record that you have an issue, it can, in some cases, become a stigma. Sometimes, when I make the decision to talk about these things publicly, I worry that people will look at it as a way to discredit me, my abilities, and my self worth/ You know what? Forget them. I’m not alone in what I live with. I just may be braver than some.

Veronica Jacobsen, BA, CD(DONA), CLC, CPST, LCCE, FACCE

DONA-Certified Birth Doula, Certified Lactation Counselor, Child Passenger Safety Technician, Lamaze Certified Childbirth Educator, Fellow of the Academy of Certified Childbirth Educators

Opening BabyLove in September of 2011 has allowed me to build a space where all families can come to get good information in a caring, welcoming environment. I have found that not only do I love teaching more than ever, but I also really love running a business. Hopefully my passion for every aspect of BabyLove shines through.
I live in Richfield with my husband, and I am a mother of a two great children. When I can steal a few free moments, I love to go on adventures with my family, cook, garden, thrift, can, and craft.